I’m Healing Myself Publicly, Fuck You

Sometimes people cannot handle your mental illness, because the recognition of yours will force them to recognize theirs.

~ Jewel Blunt

• Suffering is the beginning of gratitude.

• Suffering leads to wisdom.

• Rushing creates damage.

• Once one is empty, one can be filled.

As I sit here in my car, overlooking a misty sky sitting on the oceans stomach, there is a quaint smile on my face. Marveling at the fact that in just 2-3 weeks, I’ll no longer be homeless. Perseverance.

Everything that led me to this point has been discovery after discovery of my external surroundings and internal space. This is not the first time I’ve been at a low point but it’s definitely the last. The first time, I was on the street for a week in Miami with an ex gf. This is the 2nd time I’ve gone through this, the difference is: I’m in my car and alone but the duration has been much longer, and although unexpected, it was very needed, personally speaking. Seek and you shall find. Answers are clearer now for me than it’s ever been before and I’m excited and scared simultaneously. Furthermore, I’m looking forward to continuously learning. Solitude has also become even more of a preference and necessity.

We live in a world where…

…being vulnerable is deemed as weak.

…expression of pain and sadness are suggested to be concealed.

…honesty is held over our heads as bait instead of applauded.

…generosity is stepped on.

…kindness is manipulated.

…truth seekers are silenced.

With the awareness of this as early as my questions came in, fear became a squatter in my mind. My mom would always say “a mind is a terrible thing to waste”. I remember the occasional times I was allowed to skip, and when I did, that sentence is what I would repeat to myself. Perhaps just now realizing that was my first mantra. I knew early that I didn’t want to waste my mind, so I’d see how far it can go. However, also learned early that people attack what they cannot understand.

I’m not sure if this mantra activated a response in the Quantum Machine to show me just how far, but my mind has been my biggest life tool. Awakening of spiritual abilities happened early, however right along with trauma and circumstances. In turn, resulting in the development of two mental disorders.

For so long I asked the Divine, why me?

Oh yes, even more major ‘woes me’ than people perceive me as in occasional current moments.

Which definitely gets old to the people who are actually rooting for you, while highlighted by the ones who are happy about your woes. The why me was towards everything, since it felt like there was never a moment in my life where things were settled, whether externally or internally.

2018 was the year that ‘why me‘ transferred to ‘learn me.’

2019 is the year ‘learn me‘ transfers to ‘go me!’

Questions like…

…why was I always filled with curiosity?

…why did you give me spiritual abilities?

…what am I supposed to do with them?

…why does trauma follow me?

…why did you give me a life with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

…is my system of 8 + a fragment complete or will there be more?

…when did the fragment form?

…are there any currently that I’m unaware of?

…how did my alters receive their spiritual abilities?

…how will my clients (seekers) feel about this?

Last year I had no choice but to accept my alters after they all spoke to my past life children and then one of them fronted for 3 months, putting my bills in a black hole. Simultaneously before that and during, I was the sole bread winner for majority of a relationship I was in with someone, which also put my bills in a black hole. Hence, my current living situation for the past 4 months a.k.a Clean Up Mode. <something often required after one returns to full consciousness after an alter has been at the front for awhile.

At first I was angry that Divine only allowed the friends with cats to open their door to me, considering I’m deathly allergic. But a profound moment happened at the first person’s house. One of my friends cats put both of her paws on my hands as I was laying down. The more I drifted to sleep, I realized she (the cat) was trying to astrally bring me somewhere and show me something. The place we ended up was a desolate forest with the setting of nighttime. There was an essence of ‘I shouldn’t be here’ that filled the atmosphere, along with fog at every section of trees in the distance. The more I decided to step further into the forest, that feeling increased. It only felt right at the exact spot I stood, the only option was stillness. The cat was there with me, and simply looked up at me with a pensive expression as if to question if I’ve received the message. With a bewildering motion, I decided to leave, whether the cat was accompanying me this time or not. Once returned to waking state, I told my friend what happened and shrugged it off. Divine didn’t allow me to ignore the message for too long because within a few hours it became unbearable for me to breathe without heavily wheezing. The month stay that my friend and I previously agreed on would have to be cut short if I wanted to live to see next year. Ironically right before my exit, both her cats circled my feet and loudly meowed while looking at me nonstop.

Friends with dogs or no pets at all, still didn’t open their door to me at this point. I didn’t want to stay with the guys that opened their door to prevent the pressure or force of sexual encounters. Unfortunately men always want something of that nature if they do anything for you. Smh. Anyway, so my only option was to take a 2nd trip to home state NYC (while in the red *insider) yet I managed again & got there! Stood with my ex/bestie for a lil over a month and faced a hard realization of what I wanted, resulting in a break up (with someone who was a major factor in me accepting myself last year-video out soon) and then journeyed on back to LA. Ironically my best friend’s cat is the absolute only cat I’m not allergic to.

Everyone kept telling me to stay in NY, but I knew there was a Divine plan for me to keep striving towards. After a zen stop in NC for a week at my ex/friends house and revitalization I was good to go.

Upon my return back to LA, I had an agreement stay with another friend for a month, whom had 3 cats + 1 dog in her space. My cat allergies and bronchial asthma was at bay until furniture was switched around. My exit came soon after, this time due to the wheezing being accompanied with pain and feeling like deaths call if I ever felt one.

Friends with dogs or no pets at all, still did not open their door to me and it was time to face what I had been avoiding and scared of. At first the surrender to sleeping in my car felt like a right of passage. It was also easy to visualize myself at a rest stop in between states since I’ve done that so many times. Then as time passed and some miraculous change didn’t happen like usual or like I was hoping, I knew this was different. The lightbulb turned on towards what the cat was trying to tell me. Down to the fog, the desolation, & the feeling. This was a journey that I’d have to embark on without help from anyone. To figure out the missing links to my mental space. To commune with my higher self in a way I never have. To see the world around me in a way that I never have. To be present with anyone I’m talking to in a way I never have. To treat others with a humbled kindness in a way I never have. To help a random stranger in ways I never have.

Let me just say that nothing will humble you faster than being subjected to a port-o-potty while on your period. Ladies, just imagine. My heart goes out to all of the people I’ve met along the way, whether drifting or seeking, whether in a tent or in your vehicle. Nobody knows what led you there, but you. Keep your chin up, as well as your chi.

This situation has fucked my mind in the best way. It’s mind blowing to be viewed differently based off who’s looking at you. The ones living in their cars are viewed as upper class homeless since it’s not technically outside. So you’re kinda in the middle, the home dweller glares at me as a superior and the street dweller glares at me as if I think I’m superior. The grass truly isn’t always greener. Growing up, I’d always tell my mom “I can’t wait to have freedom“. Well I definitely got it. Some judge those in this position, yet couldn’t last a day. My bestie helped bring to my attention that some also judge because despite it all my situation is a representation of a freedom they do not have, while being bound to their responsibility. My willpower is stronger than ever. I’ve managed to get just as much done while living in my car as I did while living in a mini mansion with even more fire behind it now. However, that mini mansion was where my freedom started so beautifully everything comes back full circle. Whether this was a curse done by someone or a karmic lesson, it took me awhile to not feel like a failure and blame myself for decisions made. Or blame my alters for decisions made. Until realizing that my alters actions were also for the betterment of us leading to the next chapter.

My homeless journey tied together my previous two journey’s in a way unimaginable. It went from a circumstantial situation to a choice. After awhile, each temporary stay for a night or two at a friends house didn’t feel right, or a night at a guys house didn’t feel right, or an AirBnB stay didn’t allow me anytime to myself because the renters or roommates became assignments, and etc. Everything would lead back to my car, which was the purpose. Stillness. To the point that in these last 2-3 weeks of this experience before I move into an apartment that’s already been finalized, I’ve chosen to remain in my car and see it through to the end. There’s nothing like having the Sun be your alarm clock. Nothing like the oneness Mother Gaia shares with you after day in & out of paying attention to her. The many levels in which she speaks is profound.

This year I have evicted fear, with a farewell note of publicly documenting the process with discretion. If I can help just one person feel free to be themselves then I’ve accomplished my goal.

I’m the kind of reader/healer that will cry with you, honored by you sharing your story and then share my story with you.

…the kind that will let you see my flaws and then show you how I cleared them.

Peace starts with acceptance

What you hide controls you.

Keeps you bound to it as a caged fraction of yourself.

Diminishing your joyful soul light essence and vitality.

Ancient Medicinal Ceremonies and Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) have been the matches to regaining my fire.

Blog is muva, YouTube channel is her child…

Our journey to integrate a harmonious mind,

~ a collective of 8 1/2 ~

Recognized Clarity

Not everyone’s Universe is the same and all do not experience it the same.

One must find the hidden gem of commonality to relate to others.

We cannot force others to hold the same truths as the next.

The habits we have, most times come from survival / planted seeds from others who hold the same habits.

After a constant frenzy of being in motion, once the body finally has a chance to settle, the mind takes a little longer.

My cognitive drifting, is simply what has been my safety net throughout my experiences.

So now, with finally having the time, peace, and space to be present, it’s the recognition of re-learning how to do so.

Infinite gratitude to my new home, & to the woman who turned on the light switch for this clarification, without her even realizing it, during our morning chat.

Q&A – Soliloquy

What exactly is it, that has created this barrier between myself and most people?
I used to think that it was only my ascension into my spirituality and feeling less human or being unable to relate to current/past culture like I once had no problems with.
But I feel like there’s more to this.
Is it that I drift from most conversations…
Because I know beyond the lies that have been fed to mass society for eons.
And because I know most people’s mind cannot be changed after a certain point.
Am I just in this deep reflective mode as usual?
Of where my life is, and where it’s going.
With only space enough to mentally process my own issues/desires? [in this present time]
Because I am constantly putting mine aside & giving all my energy to others.
Why can I only interact freely with certain people?
What is it about certain others that is the total opposite?
Is it their energy?
The fact that although some are aware of their fixable flaws, why do they continue?
Why do we all?
Stubborn programmed habit.
I do not wish to come off in a distant/disinterested way,
especially because my gratitude for the Universe’s constant care and the opportunity to learn people is amazing and extends far beyond my actions.
Which is another thing, why does my actions constantly not match how I feel?
What has caused the disconnect in that department of myself?
Does my childhood issues, still have this much effect?
Is it the constant ‘getting used to’ new situations?
Along with how much I see & hear that most cannot,
including what comes with the essence of anyone whom is around me.
How does one connect when their mind feels so far away?
The more important question is, what is the main cause of my cognitive drifting?

What happens?

What happens when you don’t feel wrong for how you felt but wrong for what you did? But you’re still bothered by what they did?
What happens when those closest to you, tell you that you weren’t wrong for either?
So you’re almost in this vortex of your own thoughts & actions & they have fused together into this pile that keeps growing.
While seeing lies presented & you’re hoping the other doesn’t truly feel the words that they are presenting?

Because that would mean, they never really knew you &/or have dismissed all of the things you’ve done for them that showed who you really are.
When all you really want to do is fix it…
What happens?

No Titles Please

Titles play a large role in helping to find a social space to fit and/or categorize yourself.
As more beings embrace their freedom, it’s refreshing that more are moving into non-titles.
This is no judgement to those who prefer them.
However, after recent conversations and situations, I am sparked with the question of how one can move freely into the no-title zone, without judgement from those who still hold the “pick a side” view.

My preference from a very young age has always been feminine beings.
I even claimed the title of lesbian for a long time.
During that period, I became involved with a being that was outside of any specific gender/preference box and I had the best of both worlds.
After him, I went through a long period of solitude.
Once my solitary centering ended, I felt renewed and became involved with a few women.
I then started dating the woman that I would still marry tomorrow – it didn’t work out,
but that moment was needed.
It was during this period that I regained a part of myself that was lost and a few times made to feel bad about…
– total uninhibited freedom.

No more boxes, labels or limits.

Lately, I’ve been involved with a few men, and although I enjoyed their company, I find that my core still gravitates to women for multiple reasons.
I still do not want a serious relationship with a man.
It is also rare for me to even be attracted to a man past conversation.
I always know within the first 10 minutes.
Although I am loving my single life, if my Queen entered my life, I would embrace her.

This does not mean that I shut my heart off to the possibility of my King entering my life.
Although, it would take that special one, multi-faceted, and liberated.
Most times anyway, it’s the Spirit that communicates past the outer layer, and if more people remembered this, less bonds would be judged.

To all those whom may be struggling with your sexuality and/or dealing with confused feelings of being attracted to only that one rare person of the opposite gender – know that you do not have to explain yourself to no one.
Allow yourself to truly feel.
Truly experience.

Finding The Balance

“…and after a moment spent wishing I was clever and conversational,
I glanced over and saw that he expected nothing, that we were entirely comfortable cloaked in silence.” ~ Lotje Sodderland

Society loves to tell you what “shouldn’t be” and what “should be”.
I used to think I needed a trained therapist. But they can only possibly help with the logical way of functioning.
Which actually blocks the passage to true enlightenment and freedom.
I now embrace the therapist within myself for myself.
And am grateful for the messages from the Divine Spirit.
This is simply a share of realness.

Let’s start with childhood.
I’ll be quick, promise.

Ever since I was a toddler, I’ve been spiritually in tune.
I am not going to go into details for the sake of…
But, I am so grateful that I was blessed with a mom who understood & nurtured my gift,
and a dad who tried to understand and accept it.

Pause,
We all have gifts.
Lets just make that clear.
Not saying I am special or better than anybody else.
Curiosity helped strengthen & keep mine.
And I encourage everyone to recognize their own.
Those of you who I have helped, you know who you are, and we are forever linked.

Back to the story,
Growing up with this made me “awkward” to the human resonating eye.
Due to the sensitivity of what I was in tune with and aware of.
It wasn’t until middle school, where I decided to tell a friend.
Her curiosity led to the beginning of me actually testing out all I could do and learning to control it.
Her openness, mutual excitement and non-judgement to me is something I will never forget.
As well as, forever grateful for the precious moments of my discovery that followed.
So by the time I entered High School, I was pretty comfortable with the knowledge of who I am and why.
Also, I had a good level of control, but abused it.
Those who knew, wanted to know everything, and unfortunately everyone is not meant to. Which I did not learn, until trial and error.

Aside from those who are not meant to know certain things, whether it be about life or themselves, there are also those who know, but are jealous that they do not.
Which I have also encountered. This part of my life really taught me the importance
of being extremely selective of who you tell details to.

In the recent past,
I’ve had some individuals absorb my light and power, whom don’t even know that I recognize what they were doing.
They affected many things in my life intentionally, and were a piece to the puzzle of my dark hole of mental misery.
Anyway,
I love these people for who they are, cause believe it or not, there is some good in them.
However, it is also necessary to know who to keep at a distance.

Never having quality time with myself affected my psyche as well.
Residue of everyone around me and certain traumas in my life was plastered within me.
There comes a time when the light bulb brightens to the level of blinding and you recognize what needs to be done.
I went into solitary centering and reflecting, and it’s been an interesting journey to say the least.
Finally having the ability to have a relationship with myself has been soul changing.

Now that I have chipped off the residue and gaining my strength back,
I face a new challenge.
Dealing with resonating in my spiritual level among the overload of people resonating on their human level.

I totally understand the ones who tell me that they wish not to open those portals and remain closed off just to avoid the stress that comes with it.
I also respect those who do not believe, want nothing to do with it, or simply not aware.
BUT, how does one cope with having to be among all these different vibrations?

A documentary I just watched has answered this question.
And has brought on such a peace, along with the ability to finish this blog, which I started writing weeks ago.
It was called ‘My Beautiful Broken Brain’, based on the experience of Lotje Sodderland,
after having a hemorrhagic stroke, which leaves her unable to communicate.
Although her abilities [that society counts as intelligence] have vanished,
she gained consciousness of the true reality.
Once she embraced everything she can do and is aware of,
in a world that is now brand-new,
instead of focusing on “fixing” herself,
she accepts what is and begins to live free.
That, simply, is my goal.
Accept what is, and release the need to fight against myself for being different and the need to explain it to anyone.