Sometimes people cannot handle your mental illness, because the recognition of yours will force them to recognize theirs.
~ Jewel Blunt
- Suffering is the beginning of gratitude.
- Suffering leads to wisdom.
- Rushing creates damage.
- Once one is empty, one can be filled.
As I sit here in my car, overlooking a misty sky sitting on the oceans stomach, there is a quaint smile on my face. Marveling at the fact that in just 2-3 weeks, I’ll no longer be homeless. Perseverance.
Everything that led me to this point has been discovery after discovery of my external surroundings and internal space. This is not the first time I’ve been at a low point but it’s definitely the last. The first time, I was on the street for a week in Miami with an ex gf. This is the 2nd time I’ve gone through this, the difference is: I’m in my car and alone but the duration has been much longer, and although unexpected, it was very needed, personally speaking. Seek and you shall find. Answers are clearer now for me than it’s ever been before and I’m excited and scared simultaneously. Furthermore, I’m looking forward to continuously learning. Solitude has also become even more of a preference and necessity.
We live in a world where…
…being vulnerable is deemed as weak.
…expression of pain and sadness are suggested to be concealed.
…honesty is held over our heads as bait instead of applauded.
…generosity is stepped on.
…kindness is manipulated.
…truth seekers are silenced.
With the awareness of this as early as my questions came in, fear became a squatter in my mind. My mom would always say “a mind is a terrible thing to waste”. I remember the occasional times I was allowed to skip, and when I did, that sentence is what I would repeat to myself. Perhaps just now realizing that was my first mantra. I knew early that I didn’t want to waste my mind, so I’d see how far it can go. However, also learned early that people attack what they cannot understand.
I’m not sure if this mantra activated a response in the Quantum Machine to show me just how far, but my mind has been my biggest life tool. Awakening of spiritual abilities happened early, however right along with trauma and circumstances. In turn, resulting in the development of two mental disorders.
For so long I asked the Divine, why me?
Oh yes, even more major ‘woes me’ than people perceive me as in occasional current moments.
Which definitely gets old to the people who are actually rooting for you, while highlighted by the ones who are happy about your woes. The why me was towards everything, since it felt like there was never a moment in my life where things were settled, whether externally or internally.
2018 was the year that ‘why me‘ transferred to ‘learn me.’
2019 is the year ‘learn me‘ transfers to ‘go me!’
Questions like…
…why was I always filled with curiosity?
…why did you give me spiritual abilities?
…what am I supposed to do with them?
…why does trauma follow me?
…why did you give me a life with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?
…is my system of 8 + a fragment complete or will there be more?
…when did the fragment form?
…are there any currently that I’m unaware of?
…how did my alters receive their spiritual abilities?
…how will my clients (seekers) feel about this?
Last year I had no choice but to accept my alters after they all spoke to my past life children and then one of them fronted for 3 months, putting my bills in a black hole. Simultaneously before that and during, I was the sole bread winner for majority of a relationship I was in with someone, which also put my bills in a black hole. Hence, my current living situation for the past 4 months a.k.a Clean Up Mode. <something often required after one returns to full consciousness after an alter has been at the front for awhile.
At first I was angry that Divine only allowed the friends with cats to open their door to me, considering I’m deathly allergic. But a profound moment happened at the first person’s house. One of my friends cats put both of her paws on my hands as I was laying down. The more I drifted to sleep, I realized she (the cat) was trying to astrally bring me somewhere and show me something. The place we ended up was a desolate forest with the setting of nighttime. There was an essence of ‘I shouldn’t be here’ that filled the atmosphere, along with fog at every section of trees in the distance. The more I decided to step further into the forest, that feeling increased. It only felt right at the exact spot I stood, the only option was stillness. The cat was there with me, and simply looked up at me with a pensive expression as if to question if I’ve received the message. With a bewildering motion, I decided to leave, whether the cat was accompanying me this time or not. Once returned to waking state, I told my friend what happened and shrugged it off. Divine didn’t allow me to ignore the message for too long because within a few hours it became unbearable for me to breathe without heavily wheezing. The month stay that my friend and I previously agreed on would have to be cut short if I wanted to live to see next year. Ironically right before my exit, both her cats circled my feet and loudly meowed while looking at me nonstop.
Friends with dogs or no pets at all, still didn’t open their door to me at this point. I didn’t want to stay with the guys that opened their door to prevent the pressure or force of sexual encounters. Unfortunately men always want something of that nature if they do anything for you. Smh. Anyway, so my only option was to take a 2nd trip to home state NYC (while in the red *insider) yet I managed again & got there! Stood with my ex/bestie for a lil over a month and faced a hard realization of what I wanted, resulting in a break up (with someone who was a major factor in me accepting myself last year-video out soon) and then journeyed on back to LA. Ironically my best friend’s cat is the absolute only cat I’m not allergic to.
Everyone kept telling me to stay in NY, but I knew there was a Divine plan for me to keep striving towards. After a zen stop in NC for a week at my ex/friends house and revitalization I was good to go.
Upon my return back to LA, I had an agreement stay with another friend for a month, whom had 3 cats + 1 dog in her space. My cat allergies and bronchial asthma was at bay until furniture was switched around. My exit came soon after, this time due to the wheezing being accompanied with pain and feeling like deaths call if I ever felt one.
Friends with dogs or no pets at all, still did not open their door to me and it was time to face what I had been avoiding and scared of. At first the surrender to sleeping in my car felt like a right of passage. It was also easy to visualize myself at a rest stop in between states since I’ve done that so many times. Then as time passed and some miraculous change didn’t happen like usual or like I was hoping, I knew this was different. The lightbulb turned on towards what the cat was trying to tell me. Down to the fog, the desolation, & the feeling. This was a journey that I’d have to embark on without help from anyone. To figure out the missing links to my mental space. To commune with my higher self in a way I never have. To see the world around me in a way that I never have. To be present with anyone I’m talking to in a way I never have. To treat others with a humbled kindness in a way I never have. To help a random stranger in ways I never have.
Let me just say that nothing will humble you faster than being subjected to a port-o-potty while on your period. Ladies, just imagine. My heart goes out to all of the people I’ve met along the way, whether drifting or seeking, whether in a tent or in your vehicle. Nobody knows what led you there, but you. Keep your chin up, as well as your chi.
This situation has fucked my mind in the best way. It’s mind blowing to be viewed differently based off who’s looking at you. The ones living in their cars are viewed as upper class homeless since it’s not technically outside. So you’re kinda in the middle, the home dweller glares at me as a superior and the street dweller glares at me as if I think I’m superior. The grass truly isn’t always greener. Growing up, I’d always tell my mom “I can’t wait to have freedom“. Well I definitely got it. Some judge those in this position, yet couldn’t last a day. My bestie helped bring to my attention that some also judge because despite it all my situation is a representation of a freedom they do not have, while being bound to their responsibility. My willpower is stronger than ever. I’ve managed to get just as much done while living in my car as I did while living in a mini mansion with even more fire behind it now. However, that mini mansion was where my freedom started so beautifully everything comes back full circle. Whether this was a curse done by someone or a karmic lesson, it took me awhile to not feel like a failure and blame myself for decisions made. Or blame my alters for decisions made. Until realizing that my alters actions were also for the betterment of us leading to the next chapter.
My homeless journey tied together my previous two journey’s in a way unimaginable. It went from a circumstantial situation to a choice. After awhile, each temporary stay for a night or two at a friends house didn’t feel right, or a night at a guys house didn’t feel right, or an AirBnB stay didn’t allow me anytime to myself because the renters or roommates became assignments, and etc. Everything would lead back to my car, which was the purpose. Stillness. To the point that in these last 2-3 weeks of this experience before I move into an apartment that’s already been finalized, I’ve chosen to remain in my car and see it through to the end. There’s nothing like having the Sun be your alarm clock. Nothing like the oneness Mother Gaia shares with you after day in & out of paying attention to her. The many levels in which she speaks is profound.
This year I have evicted fear, with a farewell note of publicly documenting the process with discretion. If I can help just one person feel free to be themselves then I’ve accomplished my goal.
I’m the kind of reader/healer that will cry with you, honored by you sharing your story and then share my story with you.
…the kind that will let you see my flaws and then show you how I cleared them.
Peace starts with acceptance
What you hide controls you.
Keeps you bound to it as a caged fraction of yourself.
Diminishing your joyful soul light essence and vitality.
Ancient Medicinal Ceremonies and Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) have been the matches to regaining my fire.
Blog is muva, YouTube channel is her child…
Our journey to integrate a harmonious mind,
~ a collective of 8 1/2 ~
SuppressionsUnLeashed 