Cuffed, Literally.

So this is new for me. Well actually, this might have been what I needed all along but didn’t know it until the right Being aligned. Now that I am finally sitting in the driver seat of my vessel body, it ironically feels like the perfect tipping scale to now be the passenger to Dominance. It is most often said that what makes you a better Dom, is having experienced Submission.

The one who used to drive this vessel was dominant and I have realized that although I can be dominant, I would prefer not to be. While sitting here typing this, a bathing of safety and comfort greatly consumes me. There is a collar around my neck for the first time and it wouldn’t be there for no other. Never expected a love that has grown for 3 years in friendship and through trials, to now be solidified with the new addition of my submission.

What is even more special is that this is a new experience for both of us, being in a committed relationship to each other finally, while having the incorporation of kink as a 24/7 lifestyle vs seldom play sessions.

Now to the main point of this: this was the missing link I needed.

Although I had an idea what a submissive feels while observing from the other side, I now really overstand. There is a feeling of completion when it is the right pairing. It is a journey of a sacred trust. To have the mixture of both love and kink is an exhilarating add on. However, not all D/S dynamics incorporate both aspects.

Whether miles apart or in the same space, the energy between feels just as serene. It is almost as if that energy is home, not a physical place. Familiarity of other lifetimes shared, that is why it didn’t work with others, even when prepared. Our spirit feels like one and as if this is how we were meant to be.

 

PS: Patience is a virtue. It was & always will be you.

 

I’m Healing Myself Publicly, Fuck You

Sometimes people cannot handle your mental illness, because the recognition of yours will force them to recognize theirs.

~ Jewel Blunt

• Suffering is the beginning of gratitude.

• Suffering leads to wisdom.

• Rushing creates damage.

• Once one is empty, one can be filled.

As I sit here in my car, overlooking a misty sky sitting on the oceans stomach, there is a quaint smile on my face. Marveling at the fact that in just 2-3 weeks, I’ll no longer be homeless. Perseverance.

Everything that led me to this point has been discovery after discovery of my external surroundings and internal space. This is not the first time I’ve been at a low point but it’s definitely the last. The first time, I was on the street for a week in Miami with an ex gf. This is the 2nd time I’ve gone through this, the difference is: I’m in my car and alone but the duration has been much longer, and although unexpected, it was very needed, personally speaking. Seek and you shall find. Answers are clearer now for me than it’s ever been before and I’m excited and scared simultaneously. Furthermore, I’m looking forward to continuously learning. Solitude has also become even more of a preference and necessity.

We live in a world where…

…being vulnerable is deemed as weak.

…expression of pain and sadness are suggested to be concealed.

…honesty is held over our heads as bait instead of applauded.

…generosity is stepped on.

…kindness is manipulated.

…truth seekers are silenced.

With the awareness of this as early as my questions came in, fear became a squatter in my mind. My mom would always say “a mind is a terrible thing to waste”. I remember the occasional times I was allowed to skip, and when I did, that sentence is what I would repeat to myself. Perhaps just now realizing that was my first mantra. I knew early that I didn’t want to waste my mind, so I’d see how far it can go. However, also learned early that people attack what they cannot understand.

I’m not sure if this mantra activated a response in the Quantum Machine to show me just how far, but my mind has been my biggest life tool. Awakening of spiritual abilities happened early, however right along with trauma and circumstances. In turn, resulting in the development of two mental disorders.

For so long I asked the Divine, why me?

Oh yes, even more major ‘woes me’ than people perceive me as in occasional current moments.

Which definitely gets old to the people who are actually rooting for you, while highlighted by the ones who are happy about your woes. The why me was towards everything, since it felt like there was never a moment in my life where things were settled, whether externally or internally.

2018 was the year that ‘why me‘ transferred to ‘learn me.’

2019 is the year ‘learn me‘ transfers to ‘go me!’

Questions like…

…why was I always filled with curiosity?

…why did you give me spiritual abilities?

…what am I supposed to do with them?

…why does trauma follow me?

…why did you give me a life with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

…is my system of 8 + a fragment complete or will there be more?

…when did the fragment form?

…are there any currently that I’m unaware of?

…how did my alters receive their spiritual abilities?

…how will my clients (seekers) feel about this?

Last year I had no choice but to accept my alters after they all spoke to my past life children and then one of them fronted for 3 months, putting my bills in a black hole. Simultaneously before that and during, I was the sole bread winner for majority of a relationship I was in with someone, which also put my bills in a black hole. Hence, my current living situation for the past 4 months a.k.a Clean Up Mode. <something often required after one returns to full consciousness after an alter has been at the front for awhile.

At first I was angry that Divine only allowed the friends with cats to open their door to me, considering I’m deathly allergic. But a profound moment happened at the first person’s house. One of my friends cats put both of her paws on my hands as I was laying down. The more I drifted to sleep, I realized she (the cat) was trying to astrally bring me somewhere and show me something. The place we ended up was a desolate forest with the setting of nighttime. There was an essence of ‘I shouldn’t be here’ that filled the atmosphere, along with fog at every section of trees in the distance. The more I decided to step further into the forest, that feeling increased. It only felt right at the exact spot I stood, the only option was stillness. The cat was there with me, and simply looked up at me with a pensive expression as if to question if I’ve received the message. With a bewildering motion, I decided to leave, whether the cat was accompanying me this time or not. Once returned to waking state, I told my friend what happened and shrugged it off. Divine didn’t allow me to ignore the message for too long because within a few hours it became unbearable for me to breathe without heavily wheezing. The month stay that my friend and I previously agreed on would have to be cut short if I wanted to live to see next year. Ironically right before my exit, both her cats circled my feet and loudly meowed while looking at me nonstop.

Friends with dogs or no pets at all, still didn’t open their door to me at this point. I didn’t want to stay with the guys that opened their door to prevent the pressure or force of sexual encounters. Unfortunately men always want something of that nature if they do anything for you. Smh. Anyway, so my only option was to take a 2nd trip to home state NYC (while in the red *insider) yet I managed again & got there! Stood with my ex/bestie for a lil over a month and faced a hard realization of what I wanted, resulting in a break up (with someone who was a major factor in me accepting myself last year-video out soon) and then journeyed on back to LA. Ironically my best friend’s cat is the absolute only cat I’m not allergic to.

Everyone kept telling me to stay in NY, but I knew there was a Divine plan for me to keep striving towards. After a zen stop in NC for a week at my ex/friends house and revitalization I was good to go.

Upon my return back to LA, I had an agreement stay with another friend for a month, whom had 3 cats + 1 dog in her space. My cat allergies and bronchial asthma was at bay until furniture was switched around. My exit came soon after, this time due to the wheezing being accompanied with pain and feeling like deaths call if I ever felt one.

Friends with dogs or no pets at all, still did not open their door to me and it was time to face what I had been avoiding and scared of. At first the surrender to sleeping in my car felt like a right of passage. It was also easy to visualize myself at a rest stop in between states since I’ve done that so many times. Then as time passed and some miraculous change didn’t happen like usual or like I was hoping, I knew this was different. The lightbulb turned on towards what the cat was trying to tell me. Down to the fog, the desolation, & the feeling. This was a journey that I’d have to embark on without help from anyone. To figure out the missing links to my mental space. To commune with my higher self in a way I never have. To see the world around me in a way that I never have. To be present with anyone I’m talking to in a way I never have. To treat others with a humbled kindness in a way I never have. To help a random stranger in ways I never have.

Let me just say that nothing will humble you faster than being subjected to a port-o-potty while on your period. Ladies, just imagine. My heart goes out to all of the people I’ve met along the way, whether drifting or seeking, whether in a tent or in your vehicle. Nobody knows what led you there, but you. Keep your chin up, as well as your chi.

This situation has fucked my mind in the best way. It’s mind blowing to be viewed differently based off who’s looking at you. The ones living in their cars are viewed as upper class homeless since it’s not technically outside. So you’re kinda in the middle, the home dweller glares at me as a superior and the street dweller glares at me as if I think I’m superior. The grass truly isn’t always greener. Growing up, I’d always tell my mom “I can’t wait to have freedom“. Well I definitely got it. Some judge those in this position, yet couldn’t last a day. My bestie helped bring to my attention that some also judge because despite it all my situation is a representation of a freedom they do not have, while being bound to their responsibility. My willpower is stronger than ever. I’ve managed to get just as much done while living in my car as I did while living in a mini mansion with even more fire behind it now. However, that mini mansion was where my freedom started so beautifully everything comes back full circle. Whether this was a curse done by someone or a karmic lesson, it took me awhile to not feel like a failure and blame myself for decisions made. Or blame my alters for decisions made. Until realizing that my alters actions were also for the betterment of us leading to the next chapter.

My homeless journey tied together my previous two journey’s in a way unimaginable. It went from a circumstantial situation to a choice. After awhile, each temporary stay for a night or two at a friends house didn’t feel right, or a night at a guys house didn’t feel right, or an AirBnB stay didn’t allow me anytime to myself because the renters or roommates became assignments, and etc. Everything would lead back to my car, which was the purpose. Stillness. To the point that in these last 2-3 weeks of this experience before I move into an apartment that’s already been finalized, I’ve chosen to remain in my car and see it through to the end. There’s nothing like having the Sun be your alarm clock. Nothing like the oneness Mother Gaia shares with you after day in & out of paying attention to her. The many levels in which she speaks is profound.

This year I have evicted fear, with a farewell note of publicly documenting the process with discretion. If I can help just one person feel free to be themselves then I’ve accomplished my goal.

I’m the kind of reader/healer that will cry with you, honored by you sharing your story and then share my story with you.

…the kind that will let you see my flaws and then show you how I cleared them.

Peace starts with acceptance

What you hide controls you.

Keeps you bound to it as a caged fraction of yourself.

Diminishing your joyful soul light essence and vitality.

Ancient Medicinal Ceremonies and Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) have been the matches to regaining my fire.

Blog is muva, YouTube channel is her child…

Our journey to integrate a harmonious mind,

~ a collective of 8 1/2 ~

Recognized Clarity

Not everyone’s Universe is the same and all do not experience it the same.

One must find the hidden gem of commonality to relate to others.

We cannot force others to hold the same truths as the next.

The habits we have, most times come from survival / planted seeds from others who hold the same habits.

After a constant frenzy of being in motion, once the body finally has a chance to settle, the mind takes a little longer.

My cognitive drifting, is simply what has been my safety net throughout my experiences.

So now, with finally having the time, peace, and space to be present, it’s the recognition of re-learning how to do so.

Infinite gratitude to my new home, & to the woman who turned on the light switch for this clarification, without her even realizing it, during our morning chat.

Q&A – Soliloquy

What exactly is it, that has created this barrier between myself and most people?
I used to think that it was only my ascension into my spirituality and feeling less human or being unable to relate to current/past culture like I once had no problems with.
But I feel like there’s more to this.
Is it that I drift from most conversations…
Because I know beyond the lies that have been fed to mass society for eons.
And because I know most people’s mind cannot be changed after a certain point.
Am I just in this deep reflective mode as usual?
Of where my life is, and where it’s going.
With only space enough to mentally process my own issues/desires? [in this present time]
Because I am constantly putting mine aside & giving all my energy to others.
Why can I only interact freely with certain people?
What is it about certain others that is the total opposite?
Is it their energy?
The fact that although some are aware of their fixable flaws, why do they continue?
Why do we all?
Stubborn programmed habit.
I do not wish to come off in a distant/disinterested way,
especially because my gratitude for the Universe’s constant care and the opportunity to learn people is amazing and extends far beyond my actions.
Which is another thing, why does my actions constantly not match how I feel?
What has caused the disconnect in that department of myself?
Does my childhood issues, still have this much effect?
Is it the constant ‘getting used to’ new situations?
Along with how much I see & hear that most cannot,
including what comes with the essence of anyone whom is around me.
How does one connect when their mind feels so far away?
The more important question is, what is the main cause of my cognitive drifting?

What happens?

What happens when you don’t feel wrong for how you felt but wrong for what you did? But you’re still bothered by what they did?
What happens when those closest to you, tell you that you weren’t wrong for either?
So you’re almost in this vortex of your own thoughts & actions & they have fused together into this pile that keeps growing.
While seeing lies presented & you’re hoping the other doesn’t truly feel the words that they are presenting?

Because that would mean, they never really knew you &/or have dismissed all of the things you’ve done for them that showed who you really are.
When all you really want to do is fix it…
What happens?

Truth to Self

As bad as it may feel at times… it is more than okay to be honest with yourself.
Especially when the honesty within becomes surround sound and gnaws to come out.

With this past 999 cosmic portal, so much has become clear.
I am very much enjoying continuing to strengthen my relationship with myself & not settling for anyone whom is not cohesive in all aspects of who I am.
Although there are the occasional ‘alone’ feels, they do not outweigh the immense happiness that result from being whole with just yourself without outside attachments.

However,
the true ‘alone’ feels are present when you are surrounded by humans resonating solely in their Carnal state which in turn results in them viewing those whom resonate in both Spirit & Carnal as if we are ‘crazy’. [there NEEDS to be a balance]
Let’s just pause & take a moment for me to emphasize how much I loathe the word ‘crazy’, specifically when referring to a person. [it was created to mask the truth behind mental illness]
Anyway, these Carnal resonating humans find anything of the Spirit to be humorous due to lack of trust to open up those portals & ignorance.
With absolutely no clue on what is really going on, so much is hindered, including a better world.

I could go so far with this, but it’s not the right time. For now, I would love to send infinite gratitude to those whom are resonating in both, those few that are in my life & the many whom I have not met yet. Keep spreading your truth. Hearts upon hearts.

A Piece…

A piece of your heart drops,
when your long time crush becomes involved.
You want to express happiness for them but refrain,
knowing the applause would be half false.
A piece of your mind feels betrayed,
by your own illusioned claim.
Yet, these moments always arrive at synchronistic times,
of self rebirth & strengthening a relationship with Earth.

Human Connection

It’s amazing how much we don’t listen to our bodies when it comes to human connection. After a year of abstinence I have a new sense of self.
Immediately recognizing what/who is right for me & what/who is wrong for me.
This realization wasn’t clear until both situations consecutively presented themselves.

Let me explain…
There was someone whom for some reason, I could not break out of mental chains with.
Spiritually we were very connected, but when it came down to moving into the physical,
there was a barrier that did not unlock no matter how much I tried.
At first, I truly thought there was something wrong with me.
Badgered myself – felt embarrassed – and thought it was the abstinence that created a fear to open up.
However, this wasn’t the case.
This person simply was not right for me, and opening up would have given up an energy that they did not deserve.
Some time soon after me and this person were no longer in each others life,
I met someone else.
There was an instant mutual connection and comfort-ability within me that I have not felt in a very long time.
Not only does this person seem to be in tune with my body like no other, I am also completely unchained with them.
I realized that there was nothing wrong with me and abstinence did not hinder me.
It actually helped me become in tune with self.
Without being in tune with self, you truly can not expect anyone else to be in tune with you.

This was not to say that abstinence is the cure all.
However, I do encourage trying it and truly getting to know who you are without the influence of outside energy entering your core and clouding it.
The reward is beautifully unmatched.

Finding The Balance

“…and after a moment spent wishing I was clever and conversational,
I glanced over and saw that he expected nothing, that we were entirely comfortable cloaked in silence.” ~ Lotje Sodderland

Society loves to tell you what “shouldn’t be” and what “should be”.
I used to think I needed a trained therapist. But they can only possibly help with the logical way of functioning.
Which actually blocks the passage to true enlightenment and freedom.
I now embrace the therapist within myself for myself.
And am grateful for the messages from the Divine Spirit.
This is simply a share of realness.

Let’s start with childhood.
I’ll be quick, promise.

Ever since I was a toddler, I’ve been spiritually in tune.
I am not going to go into details for the sake of…
But, I am so grateful that I was blessed with a mom who understood & nurtured my gift,
and a dad who tried to understand and accept it.

Pause,
We all have gifts.
Lets just make that clear.
Not saying I am special or better than anybody else.
Curiosity helped strengthen & keep mine.
And I encourage everyone to recognize their own.
Those of you who I have helped, you know who you are, and we are forever linked.

Back to the story,
Growing up with this made me “awkward” to the human resonating eye.
Due to the sensitivity of what I was in tune with and aware of.
It wasn’t until middle school, where I decided to tell a friend.
Her curiosity led to the beginning of me actually testing out all I could do and learning to control it.
Her openness, mutual excitement and non-judgement to me is something I will never forget.
As well as, forever grateful for the precious moments of my discovery that followed.
So by the time I entered High School, I was pretty comfortable with the knowledge of who I am and why.
Also, I had a good level of control, but abused it.
Those who knew, wanted to know everything, and unfortunately everyone is not meant to. Which I did not learn, until trial and error.

Aside from those who are not meant to know certain things, whether it be about life or themselves, there are also those who know, but are jealous that they do not.
Which I have also encountered. This part of my life really taught me the importance
of being extremely selective of who you tell details to.

In the recent past,
I’ve had some individuals absorb my light and power, whom don’t even know that I recognize what they were doing.
They affected many things in my life intentionally, and were a piece to the puzzle of my dark hole of mental misery.
Anyway,
I love these people for who they are, cause believe it or not, there is some good in them.
However, it is also necessary to know who to keep at a distance.

Never having quality time with myself affected my psyche as well.
Residue of everyone around me and certain traumas in my life was plastered within me.
There comes a time when the light bulb brightens to the level of blinding and you recognize what needs to be done.
I went into solitary centering and reflecting, and it’s been an interesting journey to say the least.
Finally having the ability to have a relationship with myself has been soul changing.

Now that I have chipped off the residue and gaining my strength back,
I face a new challenge.
Dealing with resonating in my spiritual level among the overload of people resonating on their human level.

I totally understand the ones who tell me that they wish not to open those portals and remain closed off just to avoid the stress that comes with it.
I also respect those who do not believe, want nothing to do with it, or simply not aware.
BUT, how does one cope with having to be among all these different vibrations?

A documentary I just watched has answered this question.
And has brought on such a peace, along with the ability to finish this blog, which I started writing weeks ago.
It was called ‘My Beautiful Broken Brain’, based on the experience of Lotje Sodderland,
after having a hemorrhagic stroke, which leaves her unable to communicate.
Although her abilities [that society counts as intelligence] have vanished,
she gained consciousness of the true reality.
Once she embraced everything she can do and is aware of,
in a world that is now brand-new,
instead of focusing on “fixing” herself,
she accepts what is and begins to live free.
That, simply, is my goal.
Accept what is, and release the need to fight against myself for being different and the need to explain it to anyone.

The Quiet One

You’ve heard the term for years…. ” watch out for the quiet ones”.

Yes.

Please by all means, watch out. You never know what someone has gone through, and what has left lasting impacts.

You have no idea (or maybe you do) how annoying it is to be called “weird” or “awkward” just because by nature you are low – key, or mellow which is what I often call myself.

My silence does not mean, I have nothing to say, no thoughts, opinions, etc…

There are a few possibilities actually…

A) I am observing/listening. Of course we all don’t like to be under a magnifying glass to anyone. However, it is very important to observe a person’s habits and things they say. Especially if its the first encounter.

B)  I am not comfortable. Sorry, but I am really big on vibes and auras. Granted it takes time to get to know people or feel out a space. However, no matter how hard I try, if I am not feeling it, that’s simply it.  One thing I can not to do is hide it, my face almost always gives it away.

C) I am thinking. Sounds cliche` yes I know, but its true. I do alot, and manage it all by myself. So there’s tons of appointments, events, and ‘whats next’ in my head.

D) I am having a flashback. There have been impacting traumatic experiences in my life. Although I am taking the steps to deal with those, I can not help the flashbacks. Which can come from anything that triggers them, and this is never anyone’s fault. Just something I deal with. These memories (whether good or bad) change my mood instantly, which sometimes makes me stay to myself.

E) Nothing you are saying is relevant. Now this is not to sound like a bitch, but some people really just speak out of their asses. I am not saying, every single convo I have with someone needs to be a profound one. All I am saying is that, at some point I would like to feel engaged or mentally stimulated in the conversation.

F) You have the curse of ‘interruption’. Enough said.

These are just to name a few, but my whole point is, instead of many judging and thinking something is wrong with another one of my fellow mellows, just let us be us. We have our moments of being hype, rowdy, and loud – just not 24/7 ;}